Me And My Cat Have a Conversation About The Christmas Tree

Me: Hey cat, what’s up?
Cat: Oh how’s it goin’ man? Just licking my feet.
Me: It’s about the tree. The Christmas Tree.
Cat: Oh yeah, thanks for that.
Me: No, see. It’s not for you. It’s a decorative tree for Christmas.
Cat: Say what now?
Me: You can’t touch it and you especially can’t climb into it and just perch there like you did yesterday.
Cat: Blinks
Me: Yeah see, you just have to ignore it OK? I really need you to do that for me.
Cat: Yeah, see, I don’t think that’s gonna happen.
Me: Why can’t you be nice to me just this once?
Cat: You mean pay you back for locking me inside a tiny apartment, cutting off my junk, filing my precious nails down to ineffective stumps and feeding me chicken liver paste every day? Oh yeah, let me get right on that.
Me: You sleep for 18 hours a day, don’t act like your life is so hard. You can do anything else you want, just don’t touch the tree.
Cat: You know I’m a cat right?
Me: Of course.
Cat: Well you wouldn’t put a giant ball of yarn in your home and expect me to just ignore it would you?
Me: No.
Cat: A tree filled with shiny ornaments is the next best thing. It’s basically designed to make me go crazy with excitement.
Me: But you have so many other toys!
Cat: You don’t see me putting cheese cakes in the middle of the living room and going “Hey don’t touch this, it’s my decorative cheese cake for Catstivus, the cat solstice holiday.”
Me: Listen, can we come to a compromise?
Cat: I’m listening.
Me: You don’t go anywhere near the tree and I’ll let you lick my dinner plate when I’m done.
Cat: I’ll ignore the tree if you give me access to some un-fixed lady cats.
Me: I can’t do that.
Cat: Well, then, I look forward to seeing you in the decorative holiday tree my friend.

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